My First Snow

Have you ever felt joyfear? No, that was not a typo. It is one word.

As Leo Babauta of Zenhabits coined it, joyfear, is simply a marriage of joy and of fear. It is something that you feel at the same time -- which is joy but not just joy, which is also fear but not just fear -- but joy and fear in one. And I would like to put an emphasis on the importance of putting the word "joy" first before "fear" as the word joyfear is not completely a negative expression and that probably joy trumps whatever that fear is.

It could be the mixed feelings you had when your child is born -- and no, I have not given birth yet but just thinking about it gives me so much joyfear. When you cannot really pinpoint what exactly how you feel, or when one is overwhelmed for whatever reason -- there is excitement from joy but
then there is a little bit of fear.

Joyfear is the only word that came to my mind when  I saw snow fell for the first time. It was in Kyoto -- the first day of 2015, January 1.

It was the morning after the eventful evening we had  the night of New Year's eve. I was once again ready for adventure.

The usual bright and clear skies during winter were simply non-existent this morning. It is just plain thick clouds and definitely not "smog" that normally envelops the whole of Manila every after New Year's eve.

I headed to Kyoto station to explore some of the boutiques in it -- I've heard that every January 1, there is a nationwide sale on stuff. I forgot the Japanese term for it -- where stores put varied products in bags and you pay a certain amount and that you would get products which usually have a higher value.

The boutiques opened late around 11am or 12nn -- i cannot recall but I remember waiting…
When it was time, the once like a silent movie underground became much like Divisoria of Manila -- or probably Mumbai (no I haven't been in Mumbai but I'm guessing it is pretty busy). The cute Japanese girls call out people to their stores on very high pitches. Even if I have mufflers, it kind of still irritated me. I am not used to that kind of noise -- it's just different. It probably is the pitch. But I went on.

I bought a few for pasalubong. By now you should know already that pasalubong is the concept or rather, a tradition of bringing home "goods" to your loved ones from the place you've visited or came from.

Joyfear, it caughts you offguard -- in the most unexpected of places, in the most unexpected moment, even if your eyes saw it coming, still the feeling of being caught offguard -- you saw it but you cannot believe that it is happening, it is joyfear.

I already felt that it could possibly snow today. I just ignored that thought. I was looking for a nice place to eat in Kyoto station when I noticed something -- something magical is falling from the sky! Snow flakes. Time stopped. Much like falling in love for the first time.

Kyoto station is a huge station with an "opening" inside, where you are able to see the tip of the Kyoto tower as well (although you can very much see it just outside the infrastructure).

There is a lift, an escalator going near the opening and a deck I think towards that but the thing is it is way to steep and too elevated -- think three floors in one escalator. It frightened me big time. This is definitely one of those times I chickened out.

When I saw a couple (I think) walked up the escalator, I hurried to catch them. And stayed real close and held the handrail real tight. Yeah, it is all because of the photos. Sure I can take a photo outside but I just thought it would be mwsmwrizing at the deck -- reaching for the snow flakes before they fell.

The snow flakes are… ethereal.

I was just taking a few photos, not so much since my mobile phone is out of battery -- when I noticed the couple I followed were gone! Then all of a sudden, it turned into a comedy. Where the heck did they go? How am I going to go down these steep stairs I could die of so much fright.

My heart raced so fast that it is all I can hear. I searched for some humans up there.. then there is one guy! But he was busy taking a photo. I turned around to look for others but there is none. Then I turned around to check for this guy to see if he ia done taking his snaps when.. He ia gone, too!

I think I was starting to hyperventilate in the cold of 0 degrees Celsius. It is not too cold for me I guess. I tried to breathe deeply and just told myself to just wait for anyone who would come up and so I could have someone to go down with. The thought of alone me going down scared me -- I just can't, okay?

It was not too long when the opportunity came and I grabbed it like it was life and death. I held on tight to the handrail for dear life.

People outside were already holding their phones to seize the fleeting beauty of the snow. It is beautiful, I mean the pattern. I paused for a moment and just allowed myself be charmed by one falling snowflake.

I walked past the Kyoto Tower and to the post office. The snow is falling hard so I bought an umbrella at a convenience store. My stomach was already rambling so I grabbed some frozen food -- katsudon.

I was watching the snow thicken over the leaves of the flower plants outside when I noticed myself to still have a fast heartbeat. What is the matter? I thought. Well, now I guess I am thinking that the sky is actually gonna fall down and the whole place (or earth) is gonna be covered with thick snow… Hey, I was ecstatic seeing and experiencing snow firsthand. But what is this illogical fear (again) I am feeling? One word -- joyfear.




This is the end of the story on my firat snow encounter. But just to complete my Kyoto journey, here are some key events that followed:

1)I accompanied Jochen to Honganji temple which is just a block away. 2)The hostel staff lent me a kimono that I used for souvenir photo. 3)I got some besos and warm hugs from my instant BFFs before I catch my bus going back to Tokyo.